Statements to Ponder

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
32.5 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Guests who kill talk show hosts -- On the last Geraldo.
I poured Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Be careful... the light at the end of the tunnel may be a muzzle flash.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The colder the X-ray table, the more your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
It was all so different before everything changed.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
Psychology is the brain attempting to comprehend itself.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial fees and blamed it on the cost of living.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
The brain named itself.
Someone studying cells is just a bunch of cells trying to understand themselves.
There was a moment in everyone's life your parents put you down as a baby and never picked you up again.
Two people who are born at the exact same time often have, because of time zones, different birthdays.
Every single odd number has an 'e' in it.
Your right elbow has never been touched by your right hand.
You have never seen your face, only pictures and reflections.
The only time the word ‘incorrectly’ isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
The word FAT just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word EAT.
Neil A. was the first man on the moon. “Neil A. is ALIEN backwards.
Every word is a made up word.
If you replace the "W" with a "T" in what, where, and when, you would have the answer to each one.
100 years ago, most everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, most everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
The word "swims" upside down is still "swims."
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
If you rip a hole in a net, you have fewer holes than you started with.
Jail and prison are synonyms but jailer and prisoner are antonyms.