Statements To Ponder

 

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
  • Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • 32.5 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • Guests who kill talk show hosts -- On the last Geraldo.
  • I poured Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  • Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back!
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • Be careful... the light at the end of the tunnel may be a muzzle flash.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
  • Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
  • It was all so different before everything changed.
  • I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
  • Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.
  • The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial fees and blamed it on the cost of living.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
  • Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.